well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize