his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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