Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
