It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
