So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
