Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize