2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize