Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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