So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Two words: nipple clamps
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