If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
