I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
