Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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