Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
