Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is Oprah even human
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize