mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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