I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
