my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
