I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will be naked everywhere
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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