Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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