he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
