Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
