If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
