You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
