I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
