you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
