You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
