I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
