FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize