Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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