Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
