explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
