DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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