onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
