Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
