My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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