I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
