you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
