I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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