Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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