Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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