That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're using joints as your birthday candles
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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