My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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