Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
