i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
