I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
