so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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