But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
