just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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