If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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