I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize