Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
