You don't have asthma, your pregnant
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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