My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
