i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
