I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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