You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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