I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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