My hand turned me down
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
