i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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