are you still at the devil's house?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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