I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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