Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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