I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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