I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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