I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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