You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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