hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it's great music for shaving your balls
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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